What emotions usually arise in you after you set a boundary? Guilt? Doubt? Relief? Fear?
For many of us, especially those who grew up with early trauma or emotional neglect, there’s a hidden contract running deep beneath our boundaries, a contract we never consciously agreed to, but it shapes our choices and our guilt.
It says something like this:
“If I protect myself, I’m abandoning someone.”
“If I say no, I’m causing pain.”
“If I hold a limit, I’m being like the people who hurt me.”
It is not rare at all that growing up, boundaries were not something that protected you and that they were used against you. For example, a caregiver who withdrew love when you asked for space, or who yelled or punished you when you said no, or who manipulated you into compliance, making you feel cruel or selfish.
These unconscious beliefs form what might be called people-pleasing as a survival strategy, and it is especially common in those who were forced to become emotionally attuned from a young age, and had to anticipate others’ needs to feel safe/loved.
At its core is a devastating message:
“To be good is to disappear.”
“To be safe is to be silent.”
“To be loved I have to put others first.”
So when, in adulthood, we begin to set boundaries to protect our energy, time, or values, we may panic. The body remembers that boundaries were never safe, they meant punishment, rejection. We then feel guilt and self-doubt, a spiral of inner voices whispering “You were too much, too hard, not compassionate enough.”
But here’s the truth: protecting yourself is not a betrayal. It’s a repair of all the moments when no one protected you, of the identity that equates worth with self-sacrifice and of your nervous system, which is learning sometimes painfully: that safety and connection do not require self-abandonment.
And even when the guilt and self-doubt come, you can begin to respond with a different message:
“I’m allowed to exist. I’m allowed to have limits. I can protect myself and still be good, still be loved.”
Healing is not just about becoming more compassionate toward others. It’s about becoming safe enough to be compassionate toward yourself.
When someone is disappointed with your “no,” what does that bring up in you?
How Somatic Experiencing (SE) Can Help
Through slow, body-centered awareness, Somatic Experiencing (SE) helps your nervous system relearn what safety feels like, not conceptually, but physically.
SE offers a gentle process for noticing these survival responses in real time, like tension, tightness in the throat or chest, holding your breath, or a sudden sense of collapse. Rather than pushing through or overriding them, SE invites you to slow down and listen to what your body is trying to protect you from.
Using tools like titration (approaching difficult sensations or emotions in small, manageable doses) and pendulation (gently moving between discomfort and areas of ease or neutrality), SE helps your nervous system renegotiate these stored survival responses without becoming overwhelmed. Over time, this creates the internal conditions for your body to learn that it is now safe to have limits, that you can say no, remain connected to yourself, and still be safe in relationship.
Little by little, your system begins to register that this moment is different. You’re not that helpless child anymore. You are allowed to have limits, to take up space, to say no and still be safe.
Over time, this embodied sense of safety becomes the foundation for setting boundaries that are not rigid or reactive, but grounded, relational, and rooted in self-worth.